


I Came Out Of The Deck

by SocialBookWorm



Series: Ace Awareness Week 2018 [1]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Acephobia, Asexual, Getting Together, Happy Ace Awareness Week gays!, Hurt/Comfort, Internalized Acephobia, M/M, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-23
Updated: 2018-10-23
Packaged: 2019-08-06 07:19:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,920
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16383767
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SocialBookWorm/pseuds/SocialBookWorm
Summary: It was less the crush he had on Virgil that Patton worried about, and more the secrets he kept.





	I Came Out Of The Deck

**Author's Note:**

> Happy Ace week y'all :)

Patton sighed, settling his chin in his hands. He grinned as below him Virgil threw his head back in laughter. Patton kicked his feet back and forth as Roman slugged Virgil in the shoulder. The action did nothing to dampen Virgil’s amusement and Patton wished that the fond smile Virgil sent Roman was directed at him.

“Ah, I see that you have resumed this foolishness.” Patton turned and waved at Logan with enough force that his friend reached out to keep him from tumbling over the edge of the balcony. Patton grinned at the look on Logan’s face. He reached out to pull Logan down with him. He found himself being hauled to his feet instead, stumbling as he tried to get his feet under him.

“This has got to stop,” Logan continued, tugging him back inside. “The lovesick pining makes me want to bash my head in and if I have to watch you stare at Virgil’s back like some sort of dog one more time, I will not be held responsible for what I do.”

“Awwww Logan,” Patton cooed, “Just because you need to  _ paw _ -se, maybe spend some time with Roman! Doesn’t mean that I need to do anything about Virgil!”

Logan shot him a dirty look. Patton giggled, slipping his arm through Logan’s so that they were walking side by side towards the door. Logan rolled his eyes. Patton pretended not to see it, leaning into the warmth of his best friend.

“First of all,” Logan said, pausing at the doorway long enough to grab Patton’s scarf. Patton leaned down so that Logan could wrap it carefully around his neck. “I do not need to spend time with Roman of all people. He is nothing short of infuriating.”

“You certainly talk about him alot for someone you supposedly hate!” Patton pointed out, stuffing his hat into his coat pocket before reaching for the doorknob. Logan’s hand shot out, wrapping around his wrist to stop him. Patton startled, wide eyes turning to meet Logan’s frown.

“And second,” Logan continued as if Patton hadn’t spoken. “You only bring my relationship or lack thereof with Roman up when you want to avoid the subject of your crush on Virgil.”

Patton laughed nervously. His eyes dropped away from Logan’s face. His stomach twisted itself into knots at the look in Logan’s eyes anyway. The serious expression that felt like Logan was trying to take him apart like some sort of puzzle. 

“It’s not a crush!” Patton protested. He took his hand back, crossing his arms over his chest. A defensive stance more than anything else.

“You spend hours staring at him. Your smile softens whenever he talks to you. If there’s an opportunity to pair up you choose always Virgil.” Logan listed off and Patton flinched. His hands fisted into his sleeves, trying to drown out the words that fell from Logan’s lips. “Your face flushes when Virgil laughs. I’m certain that your heart skips a beat whenever he walks into the room, and you never stop touching him.”

Patton felt his shoulders climb towards his ears. His fingers tingled from the force of his grip. He watched golden leaves fall outside their window, spreading beauty across the campus. Maybe if he tried hard enough Logan would grab coffee with him instead of talking about this.

“But I don’t want to kiss him,” his voice cracked. He stumbled over his words, struggling to explain to Logan why he was wrong. “I don’t-”

Logan’s hand touched his gently, and Patton jumped at the sudden warmth. Logan swept a thumb over the back of his hand before reaching up to grip Patton’s face. Tears welled in Patton’s eyes as Logan looked at him fiercely. 

“You still think you’re broken.” Logan didn’t ask him. He simply leaned forward with the force of his words. “You are still listening to your parents when they are such clear imbeciles who have no understanding of the world today.” Patton took a shuddering breath as Logan’s voice softened. “Love is love, Pat. Sexual attraction or the lack of it does not mean that you love him any less.”

“Logan,” Patton whispered, pressing a hand to his mouth to hold back sobs. Logan swiped at his tears, tired and loving.

“Patton,” he echoed. “There is nothing wrong with being asexual. You have a right to love just as much as the rest of us. If Virgil doesn’t understand that, then he is not worth your time. So  _ talk _ to him.”

“Talk to me about what?”

Patton jumped at Virgil’s voice, stumbling back away from Logan in his surprise. His hands shook as terror lanced through his chest. He wasn’t ready. His breath caught as he tried to picture the look on Virgil’s face when he learned that Patton loved him but couldn’t love him  _ enough _ . The disgust, but even more painful than that, the disappointment. The offers to help figure out what would fix the problem.

His legs buckled. He couldn’t keep track of the hands that tried to help him, only that they were too much. He slammed into the wall as he tried to get away from them. Star danced across his eyes, from the impact or his lack of oxygen, Patton couldn’t tell.

Voices flew over him. In one ear and out the other as Logan had always told him. Logan was going to tell Virgil- No, no Logan wouldn’t tell Virgil without Patton’s permission. He wasn’t like Patton’s parents. But he wanted Patton to tell Virgil. Patton wanted to, gods, he wanted to tell Virgil and be in love. 

He just wasn’t. He was but he wasn’t and he  _ hated  _ it. He didn’t make sense-

A hand rested on his chest carefully. Patton jolted as he realized that he had squeezed his eyes shut somewhere between his sobs. The hand didn’t retract simply pressing against his heaving chest even harder. A second one grabbed his fingers and pressed them to the slow steady breathing of their owner.

Gradually, Virgil’s voice made it through the buzzing of Patton’s ears.

“-just like that Pat, breathe with me, just like that, in for four, you’re doing great.” Patton latched onto his voice, dragging himself to shore with it. He blinked rapidly. His eyelids felt sticky with tears, and he reached a shaky hand up to swipe at them.

“Patton?” Virgil asked quietly, “Are you back with me?”

Patton nodded, face flushing at how close they were pressed together. Virgil’s knees rested against his own. Panic reared its head again at their position and his breathing hitched.

“Hey, hey, hey,” Virgil said gently, squeezing the hand he had pressed to his chest. Patton marveled at the feel of his heartbeat. “None of that. You’re fine, Pat. You’re safe, I promise. You don’t have to tell me anything that you don’t want to.”

Patton dropped his eyes, counting the number of times his shoelaces looped back over themselves. He’d rather  _ knot _ think of talking to Virgil about his feelings. He scrubbed at his face again, trying to buy himself time. Not that he needed it, but sitting there while others looked after him had always felt awkward. He was the father figure after all.

Feeling crept into his fingers before thoughts of Logan returned as well. Logan had been there too. His head jerked up, looking for his best friend. Virgil shifted to the side so that Patton could have a better view of Logan hovering a few steps away from them. 

Patton searched Logan’s eyes carefully. He took note of the carefully clasped hands, the stiff way that Logan stood. Patton bit the inside of his cheek, trying not to let reassurances fall from his lips already. Logan would claim he was deflecting. Logan would be at least half right.

Logan looked him squarely in the eye and Patton watched him relax. Watched his eyes go soft and comforting in the same way he had when Patton came out to him. Logan tilted his head to the side, a quiet check on if Patton wanted him to stick around. Patton almost wanted to reach out and have Logan pull him close as he had so long ago.

He closed his eyes and nodded just once. Maybe it was time. If only to get it off his chest. He had thought he was past this point, but two steps forward one step back tended to be a favorite tactic in their friend group it seemed. He opened his eyes. He stared at the spot that Logan had been and tried to draw courage from the fact that Logan at least, would never judge him.

Virgil craned his head to look at the empty dorm as well.

“Well,” Virgil said carefully. Patton tried not to fidget as Virgil looked back at him. Virgil’s hand tightened in his. Patton wanted to wipe the crease from his brow and promise that Virgil had done nothing wrong. Virgil wasn’t the problem. Patton was.

“I-” Patton licked his lips as his voice cracked.

“You don’t have to say anything, Patton,” Virgil cut in quickly. Patton’s heart sank as Virgil didn’t meet his eyes. He knew what Virgil would be thinking, and he reached out to tap Virgil’s cheek.

“I want to,” he finally whispered. He tugged his mouth into a sheepish grin. “Well, less want and more need to, or maybe want and need? Logan would know the difference-”

“Patton,” Virgil cut him off gently, “You’re starting to ramble there buddy.”

“Right. Right,” Patton let out a sharp breath and gathered his thoughts. He tried to think of how to explain his parents, his fear of the way that he loved others. He didn’t think there was any way to without Virgil trying to take the nearest kitchen knife and driving back to their hometown. 

Best to just follow Virgil’s example then.

“I’m asexual,” he blurted and squeezed his eyes shut. Silence fell. Patton tried his best not to tremble. He held onto the fact that this was Virgil. Virgil would never judge him. Right? 

(He had thought the same of his parents at one point, after all.)

“Ok, no I don’t get it,” Virgil finally said. Patton peeled one eye open and started at Virgil’s face. Virgil glared at the ground, gripping Patton’s hand even tighter. “I can’t figure out when I said something that would make you have a panic attack over being asexual.”

“It wasn’t you,” Patton whispered. Virgil’s hand spasmed and his lips pursed. Patton bit back a giggle as Virgil muttered something about ‘fucking aphobes.’ Patton took a deep breath and leaned in until he rested his head against Virgil’s shoulder. Virgil’s hands shifted, one still hanging on to Patton’s like he would disappear if he let go.

He rested the other on the back of Patton’s neck and just let the two of them breathe.

Patton breathed in Virgil’s scent, the dry paint that clung to his hoodie from art classes. He brought his arms up around Virgil’s waist, and for the first time in a long while, felt safe. He breathed in. He breathed out.

“I love you,” he whispered.

Virgil froze.

Patton held his breath as Virgil pulled him back so that he could search his eyes. The look on Virgil’s face melted into something bright and goofy that Patton wanted to keep there forever. He leaned forward and pressed a gentle kiss to Patton’s forehead.

“I love you too,” Virgil whispered, and Patton’s heart soared.


End file.
